Back and Biceps

Chronicle of an Indian Gym.

‘My dream….is to fly….over the rainbow…so high….’

OH my God! Are they playing that again! Second time since I came in! Who sang this song anyway? I don’t hear it anywhere, but here. And do they have to play it so loud? Can’t even tune it out. They are probably going to follow it up with that other song. I don’t even want to think about it.

‘Me love ya…Comes out of devotion….

In trench town, I have my vision….…

Shine on me!’

Aaaahhh! Get out of my head! So annoying!

Why does the gym need to play techno songs anyway? And if it does, why stop there? Why not set up strobe lights in one corner and let people hit the dance floor and grind with each other?

I probably shouldn’t ask, lest I give them a new business idea.

I really wish I could just run in peace today. I am doing much better today than most days. But I guess I should stop now, else I won’t have energy for the rest of my routine.

Let’s see what’s on the exercise card.

Bar bell curls — 3 sets, 12 reps
Dumb bell curls — 3 sets, 12 reps
Machine curls — 2 sets, 15 reps
Bent over bicep curls — 3 sets, 12 reps
Over the head bicep curls — 3 sets, 12 reps

Seriously! How many bicep exercises are these? And why am I doing this routine twice a week? I told them to make me a workout routine that involves more cardio and less weights.

I’m pretty sure everybody’s doing biceps today, which means I’ll have to wait around for a workout I really don’t want to be doing. Fantastic! Let’s head to the floor then!

‘Attention everyone. The Bollywood dance classes are starting in 5 minutes. Everyone attending the class please come to Group X studio 4.’

Bollywood dance classes! Oh man! As if this gym wasn’t pretentious enough! Does anyone even go for this class?

A swarm of women and some young men go by in one direction.

Never mind. I got my answer.

Oh, there he is! Oh, no! He’s looking at me. Is it too late….Aaaahh he saw that I saw him. I guess I’ll have to talk to him.

“Hello, sir!”
‘Sir’ : “Hello. Hello. What’s up dyude? Kya workout hai aaj?” (What’s your workout today?)
“Back and Biceps.”
‘Sir’ : “Ok. Card daakho.” (Show me your card) “Hhmm. Chalo shuru ho jaao. Aaj heavy uthana hai!” (Alright. Start then. You got to pick up heavy weights today.)
“But sir, mera goal is to keep fit. Mujhe bulk nahi chahiye. So I should be doing more cardio. But mere card pe sab weight lifting exercises hai.” (My goal is to keep fit. I don’t want to bulk up. But my exercise schedule has more weight lifting exercises.)
‘Sir’ : (Chewing gum and ogling at women) “Arre, aisa nahi rehta. Pehle stamina build karna padta hai. You need to build muscle and reduce fat. We need to keep changing workout schedule. Baad me daalenge aur cardio aapke schedule me. John Abraham banna hai ki nahi? Chalo shuru karo. Dumbbell uthao.” (You don’t understand. First, you need to build your stamina. You need to build muscle and reduce fat. We need to keep changing your workout schedule. Later we’ll add more cardio to your routine. Don’t you want to be like a model!? Alright, start. Pick up dumbbells. )
“OK, sir.”

Holy hell! That argument made no sense.

If building stamina is the goal why not add more cardio based exercises in my routine? I can build stamina that way too. I guess there’s no point arguing with this guy. His answer to all questions is, “dumbbell uthao”!

And I can’t believe I called him ‘sir’. Like he’s knighted by the Queen! He’s probably my age.

Who started this trend of calling instructors ‘sir’ anyway? I guess its just an Indian thing to call anyone who is teaching you something, ‘sir’ or ‘madam’. But why do middle aged men and women call them sir?

Anyway, I guess it’s ‘suck it up and do back and biceps’ time.

Some guy: “Hey, dyude!”
“Heeyyy!” (Shit! What’s this guy’s name?)
Some guy: “Wassup? How’s it going?”
“Not too bad. Sweating it out!” (Samar? Sameer?)
Some guy: “OK. Kya karra aaj?” (What are you doing today?)
“Back and Biceps.” (Did he ever tell me his name?) “What about you?”
Some guy: “Same.”
“Ya, not surprising! Everyone seems to be doing back and biceps today. I’m bored of waiting around for weights.” (I think its Samar.)
Samar: “Haha. Ya man. I decided to do back first and then biceps. People come in around 7 and everyone’s routine goes from biceps to back. So, I went the other way. That way I don’t have to wait as much.”
“Oh! That’s smart! I should have done that.”
Samar: “ Personally I don’t like to follow a routine. I do weights some days. Some days I’ll swim. Other day I’ll go for Bollywood dance.”
“Bollywood dance! Haha.”
Samar: “Haha. I know its weird but it’s not that bad. Plus, lots of nice chicks in the class. Sweating it out.” (Winks)
“ Naaiiice! Ya, maybe I’ll go one of these days. It’s pretty much a sausage fest in the weight room!”
Samar: “Hahaha. Ya. Plus lot’s of wannabe guys! Flexing in front of the mirror! Giving tough looks!”
“Haaan! And what’s with the posters they put up all over. Such douchy looking models man! Flexing and smiling like morons.”
Samar: “LOL. Woh waala dekh na! He’s smiling while doing abs! Who smiles while doing abs?”
“Hahahaha. Shit, I hadn’t noticed that one. You know what’s weird? When you join the gym, they say they are building a special routine specifically designed for your body and shit, but then I see everyone doing the same exercise! Crazy,right?”
Samar: “What? Sorry I couldn’t hear you over the music. Are you done with your workout?”
“No. I got one set of biceps left but I am gonna skip it and do back.”
Samar: “Ok. Chal, nice seeing you man! I’ll do my next set.”
“Alright! See you later Samar!”
Samar: “What did you call me?”
“Aaahh…I said, see you later Samar!”
Samar: “My name’s Rohish!”
“Aaahh….Sorry, I thought it was Samar for some reason. Sorry man!”
Rohish: “Hehe, It’s ok Nikhil! See ya!”
(Actually it’s Nilesh. Aaah never mind) “Ya…see ya man.”

Woof! That was intense! I think its official. Dead lifts is my least favorite exercise. My back is killing me! Screw three sets, I’m just doing two.

Water…water…I need water.

Oh, look! The Bollywood class is finally over. Just look at these pretentious dudes. Funky, wannabe haircuts, ear studs, weird 90’s hairbands. It’s like they stepped out of a Backstreet Boys video.

Some of these women aren’t bad though. Maybe I should go to one class. Of course I’ll have to shoot myself in the face right after but should be worth it.

When is the next class? How long have I been staring at these women? I should look away. They’ll think I’m a pervert. Bet I look creepier with all this sweat on my face. I wonder if women just find me creepy in general. Or maybe they find me intense? Or maybe its just….

My phone rings.

“Hello.”
Gautam: “Hello.”
“Wassup?”
Gautam: “Kya karra?”(What are you up to?)
“Nothing much. Gymming it out. Living the good life!”
Gautam: “Theek hai. Theek hai. You wanna meet up?”
“Sure. Kya karne ka?” (What do you want to do?)
Gautam: “Lets have beer.”
“Beer! No man. I just worked out. Can’t do beer after that.”
Gautam: “Chal na!! 1–2 beer, Chicken Kebab, Butter Chicken…..You know you want it!”
“I do but I really shouldn’t. Let’s do something else.”
Gautam: “Dude you’re gonna have all this stuff tomorrow anyway! So, what’s the difference? Meet me at Symphony in 10 minutes.”
“Hhhmm….I guess you have a point but ten minutes is not happening man. Its gonna take me a while. I still have abs and cool down to do. Lets meet in 45 minutes.”
Gautam: “45 minutes! That’s too much. Just cool down and come. Abs chhod. Six pack abs banane hai kya tereko?” (Do you want to make six pack abs!)
“Aaahh. I don’t know, man. Don’t want to do it but its on my workout card. There must be some sense in doing it..”
Gautam: “Just come!”

‘My dream….is to fly…over the rainbow….so high…..’

“Alright screw it. I’m leaving. Can’t take one more minute of this song!”
Gautam: “What song?”
“Never mind. I’ll see you in ten minutes.”

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